It’s been 21 days since we last spoke. In between these days I’ve thought of you most every time before I go to bed. You effortlessly creep into my mind sporadically over the days. I’ve thought about how I’ve let you down, how I’ve hurt you on the last few days of us being together, how I’ve did you wrong and how I lied to you. I’ve thought about our endless pain points during the rs, our almost non existent potential future together. How we both had an idea of how good it’ll be to grow old together but neither of us had the courage nor the full commitment to materialise that into our actual end goal. Amongst all that’s happening, with new experiences and dates and work changes, I still think of you. I still think of you all of a sudden in cabs, even when I’m not alone. I still think of how you said you wanted to go to Australia, Vietnam and Europe with me. I’ve lived my life in a constant whirlpool these 6 months and I am filled with intense guilt, yet you’ve forgiven me again and again. I thought about how we really had to end it in February and I am constantly using those bad times to justify our end. I’ve read that missing you is a part of this journey and it’s normal and these things can’t be rushed. I had wanted to text you on so many occasions but on what basis do I have the right to? You’re doing so well in controlling and cutting contact, how could I even impose such a burden on you by suddenly texting you? My mum asks about you and it always causes a big lump in my throat. I tell her that it’s because you’re too far away due to your work posting now, but I think she knows. Do you still remember what I said about how I’ll never feel the same love again? That is still true. It’s crazy and mind boggling and crazy how I couldn’t bring myself to write for you while we were still in contact. I had 6 months, and yet I still can’t encompass all these feelings even at this point into words. It’s crazy how even as things are what they are now, I still hope that it’ll still be you next to me when we’re 50. Our love was so real and so deep… have you been eating well? Have the people you’ve been meeting been nice to you? You are very easily well liked and I’m so sure that every new person you meet will like you. I’m trying to be a better person. I couldn’t save us.. we rly did built it on shaky ground. We rly did built it up to pull it down.. didn’t we? I won’t forget you, I still think of you so much and everyday, I just wanted you to know that.
Through it all, can we still say we loved well? You will always be my rightful one, I only wished it worked out.
